PUMP up the JAMmie – Day 22: F*#k Off, Fear.

When I was a raging piss tank I didn’t really have fear on my radar. I basically had zero sense of self and did the same old things, day after day, unknowingly living in a shitty little comfort zone. I wasn’t conscious of it at the time, but I was strongly avoiding making changes, and the unknown. These are two of the most common fears.

Nowadays, sober, I’m almost hyper-aware of the feelings that come up when I decide to make a change, try something new, or challenge myself. With change and the unknown comes fear, in some shape or form. Suzanne Fetting taught me how to view fear differently and how to approach it head-on. These days, when something I want to do brings up anxiety or vulnerability, I truly see it as simply a chance to tick that fear the fuck off my list. If the inner critic was a living, breathing thing, I’d punch it in the jugular. Worrying, approval-seeking, rationalizing, procrastinating and victimizing are things I just do not have time for anymore. Quitting drinking is the biggest thing that helped me get away from those self-sabotaging behaviours. I hope that by sharing some of the random shit that goes through my head, maybe someone else will feel inspired to stop letting fear hold them back from doing what they want to do, big or small! My current marathon mission comes with many forms of fear, but I’m talking about life entirely, not just trying to qualify for the Boston Marathon.

Here’s one from recently:

Until two weeks ago when my friends and I went to Seattle for the Tenacious Ten, I had never rented a car, driven in a city other than Vancouver, across the border, or in the States. Terrifying!! LOL. To some, this may sound very odd. I hate driving a vehicle I’m not used to. Also, driving anywhere unfamiliar has always been one of those things that can cause me anxiety. Maybe it’s from growing up in a small town with four sets of traffic lights, no such thing as rush-hour or freeways, and never the need for directions. Who knows. I wanted to drive to Seattle from Vancouver for the race because it was cheaper than a second flight and I’m saving money for school, but more so because I wanted to cross this fear off the list! In July, when I head to Jack & Jill to Pump up the JAMmie, I’ll also be driving to Washington State (possibly alone), and I didn’t want it to be the first time!

When I moved to Vancouver for University over ten years ago, I didn’t have a car. I got accustomed to the transit system and therefore avoided city driving. When I graduated, I bought myself a brand new VW Golf yet continued to take transit a lot of the time because I had no self-confidence and driving in the city made me SO panicy. Eventually, I drove in the city regularly, but never 100% confidently. Then, I moved back to small town comfort! (NOT to avoid city driving, LOL!)

Last weekend I finally said fuck it and did what most others would do – drive to where they want to go! My friends helped with directions and I probably annoyed the shit out of them being so anxious, but it’s done and now I can drive to the USA and not shit my pants about it. Woo. Done. What was I afraid of?? Why did it take me until the age of 33 to do this? Because I used to unknowingly let fear restrict me; all I did was get drunk and never do much outside the box of mediocrity that I was existing in. I was oblivious to living fully and doing what I wanted to do, big or small-scale. I’m not being mean to myself, I am seeing the growth for what it is and appreciating where I’m at now. Yay, new life.

Fears I’m currently wrestling with:

I’ve wanted to do something different, career-wise, for years before I actually started making change happen last fall. Even though I loathe my current field of work, for a long time I believed what my inner critic told me and in turn, was too scared to act:

“You spent years getting this degree, this is what you do now.”

“This education was expensive, you can’t walk away.”

“You make so much money, just learn to live with the job.”

“Changing careers will require moving away temporarily, and you can’t do that when you’re a homeowner and have a spouse.”

“You could run out of money as a student without income. Way too risky.”

“You are too old to go back to school.”

“You’re selfish.”

FUCK. OFF. INNER. CRITIC!

School starts September 17th. I’m a bit scared, but it’s not holding me back. I look forward to being a student again, even though I have thoughts about being the old person in the class, fear of being a driver in a new place, and running out of money. LOL. Know what I have to say to all of this, though? WHO CARES. Don’t dwell, just do.

I hope that you can join me in screaming (in my head, cause I’m at work) BRING IT ON, FEAR. Seriously. Bring it on, any kind, really big or so small it seems ridiculous. It scares the crap out of me that I’m going to try to run 03:31:18 in the marathon this summer. What if I fail? Will someone laugh and say, “I knew she couldn’t pull that off“? Will I be able to withstand the training? Will I be confident and mentally tough enough to truly put forth my best effort, come marathon day?

I am scared, but these days it just feels like adrenaline. I’m not being held back by it, like the old me. Suck it, fear. There is no time to waste! Capitalize! Do you have something you didn’t do for a long time because it made you nervous, uncomfortable or anxious?? Or that you still haven’t done? Tell me about it.

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8 thoughts on “PUMP up the JAMmie – Day 22: F*#k Off, Fear.

  1. Thanks for sharing your own anxiety. I think so many people deal with this sort of thing (myself included) and it can be so overwhelming at times. Even things that sound insignificant to others can seem SO BIG. You should be proud for taking your inner doubts on and going for it! I wish you the best of luck.

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  2. I love these blogs and your truthful writing and passion for all you do. Fear is what directs everyone in life to do what they do or don’t do, and it’s how you direct that fear which enables growth/development or nothing. I’ve always had the fear of missing out like you on the old party days but this has been replaced with better habits from not indulging anymore. My only fear now is that I may go back to my old ways and not bloom to my full potential. Just as last time I quit drinking, everything becomes more real and I find myself vibrating at a lower frequency than I should be and want to change my career as well. This is terrifying but I want to do something I’m passionate about and that helps people so I may start some upgrading…next time I see you we will chat about this✌🏻 You’ve inspired me and many others to better themselves and push themselves, keep up the awesomeness Jamie💕🙌🏻🙏🏻😇 you ROCK🤙🏻

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  3. I’m soooo proud of you and frankly, a little jealous, for changing career paths. Being a student is hard but just remember all of the cool people we met!
    I have those same fears. While I’m not ready for epic career changes, I’ll strive to be more badass in facing my fears, inspired by you!

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  4. Such a great post! Who isn’t controlled by fear at some point!! I was TERRIFIED of the lake swim at Tyhee Tri last year…so much so that I didn’t even try on my wetsuit until the day before the race, so that if it didn’t fit, I didn’t have to swim! It’s so funny looking back, and after I finished I was SO happy I got to do the race. I think the best part of overcoming the things that scare us, is that it gets easier every time, no matter how big the fear is! Also, good for you for switching career paths!! It is way to easy to get ‘stuck’ doing something we don’t love and we only live once (as far as we know anyway) so we may as well work at something we enjoy!!

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    • I can relate to this so much!!! That was like me last year, hoping my sister would bail on our weekend trip so I could use it as an excuse to skip the triathlon!!! thank you for the career change congrats, I am excited. SEe you in july!?

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      • I actually don’t know if I am going to make it out this year!! It’s a pretty long drive to get there and so far I don’t have the time off work or anyone to watch my herd of kids for the race…I do want to repeat the race though, it was my favorite so far 🙂

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