Alcohol: just somebody that I used to know

Coming up on ONE THOUSAND days sober, I wanted to check in with my relationship with booze. Where are we at today?

It’s so crazy you guys. I fantasized about a time like now, way back when. So many of the times when I said “I’m never drinking again” I’d also imagine a future life that seemed unattainable. The life I was envisioning was one where I wasn’t letting alcohol make me feel, look and act shitty on the regular. There was none of the anxiety, depression, regret or guilt that stemmed from binge drinking and the behaviours that go hand-in-hand, during or after. I saw a vibrant, peaceful, fresh life where alcohol didn’t have a place. Out loud, I would test out what it felt like to say “I don’t drink“, but then I’d feel sad because I didn’t think it was possible to get to that place. But it is a place. It’s a thing. It’s awesome.

I don’t drink.

Guess what else? I don’t think about it much. That’s where me and Booze’s relationship is at. Like an ex who I’m truly over, or an old friend from the past who I’ve lost complete touch with.Β Or remember that cartoon Denver the Last Dinosaur? I think about drinking about as much as I think about Denver. That was random.

Never before has the name of the websiteΒ tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com made so much sense. Even thinking about drinking was exhausting, and I can see that now that drinking isn’t a part of my life. Alcohol is not on my radar.

It took so much commitment, learning and change to get to this place, but it has happened. Just like a break-up with a human being, after I “dumped” booze, I had to make a ton of adjustments and reassess my time, what I did, who I spent time with, where I hung out, etc. Even after a year there were things I was still dealing with and working on. It wasn’t easy but now I find myself 965 days sober and the happiest I’ve ever been.

If you ever have the fantasy I used to have, about being able to say “I don’t drink” out loud and for it to be true, it can be and you can do it. Trust me. If I can, anyone can. I wish I had someone telling me that when I needed it, so I’m telling you in case you need to hear it!

#yodo

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August! Now What?

Hiiiii!!!

How’s it going? Since Jack and Jill I have been taking it a day at a time – doing whatever I want! Some swimming, short easy-effort runs, quite a bit of trail and elevation and yesterday a solid 10k with a slightly faster finish. Oh and a couple full rest days ahaha. Lifelong Endurance and I are still in close contact but we’ll officially pick back up with training in September.

This weekend some friends and I head to the Hah Nic Na’ Aah mountain half marathon in the Babine Mountain Range! This is basically my first non-road race aside from the Mount Hays Quickclimb and I’m stoked! The terrain and views look stunning, and since I’m not actually racing it, there will be time for lots of photos!

Next weekend husband and I take off on a wedding tour/moving me to the Okanagan. Exciting times! School starts September 4th, but first I’ll zip back up north for our annual Labour Day Weekend celebrations in the beautiful Bulkley Valley. Same hood as the race this weekend, as well as the Tyhee Tri. Lucky me!

Coach Andrew and I had a chat about training and have a loose plan. We will most likely attack the half marathon distance over the fall season (after the Okanagan Marathon) and into the winter. I hope to pick out a goal half to race in early 2019! Into the new year we will start to build on that fitness for a goal Spring marathon to continue chasing down the unicorn! 🀞 I look forward to running as many local 5 and 10k’s along the way.

Some of the marathons I’m considering (at this point) include the Eugene Marathon, Blooms to Brews, the Windermere Marathon and BMO Vancouver, though I’m pretty reluctant about Vancouver, it’s just nice and close. I’d prefer to be able to drive to said marathon, and I won’t run anywhere with more than an hour time difference. April is my preferred month, but I’m not against March or May! If you have any suggestions that I should add to the list of options, please let me know!

I hope you are having a really good summer!!! Recently I opened the sober app on my phone and it’s passed 950 days!!! I’ll be at 1000 days by the end of September, holy shit. The blog has obviously been very focused on running over the last few months but I hope to do some writing about sober stuff in the next little bit here.

Hope August has been fun and talk to you after the mountain half!!!

jamie

PUMP up the JAMmie! – Week 11/16

Holy crap I was so sickΒ all week. After the long run two Sundays ago, I thought I must be on the way back to normal since it went well, but I was wrong. Anyways, week 11Β went alright and ended well! Five weeks out from Jack & Jill! Lifelong Endurance had me rest as needed, which is amazing.

Monday, June 18theasy day

6k easy run + strides in the heat πŸ”₯

I figured since it was gonna be hot for Scotia it wouldn’t be a bad idea to do some running in the heat of the afternoon. I was so congested and feverish but managed and I thought the profuse sweating would help me detox whatever virus I had.

In the late afternoon Erin, Rheannon and I headed to Taylor lake for some more swim practice in open water. Solid swim.

Tuesday, June 19threst day

Sick day. Over night I got so much sicker! So annoying! I also had a VERY stressful day, which I will tell you about in another post. Just to get you curious, I am now going to a completely different massage therapy institute for school

Wednesday, June 20thhard day

Track attempt omg. The workout wasn’t huge, it was a race-week workout of:

  • 3k warm-up
  • 3 x [1600m @ 4:21/km, 3:00 rest]
  • 3k cool-down

Well that didn’t happen. The warm-up was fine, the first interval was a struggle and a tad slower than prescribed, and from there onΒ I just did my best. My whole self was so lethargic and clammy. I’m glad I got out and tried though!

An afternoon lying low and I felt good enough to go to Butze for a very easy trail run for Global Sports Bra Squad Day! The real day is Sunday, but our official Prince Rupert meet-up was today! So awesome.

Thursday, June 21strest day

Road trip! We hit the road for the Scotiabank Vancouver Half Marathon & 5k. No scheduled run today! Relaxing with Jess for eight hours on the road, healthy snacks, a few little naps and then a decent sleep in Prince George. I needed that down day.

Friday, June 22ndhard day

We made it to Vancouver πŸ˜€

5k relaxed, 5k around half marathon pace was on schedule. I ran with my friends Karmen and Adam for the first half, then picked it up on the back half. Felt amazing and finally un-sick aside from a lot of snot.

Saturday, June 23rdeasy day

6.5k relaxed, and today relaxed was quicker than usual. Yessssss.

We spent the day walking around way too much (such a rookie move…oops) but napped before dinner and got to bed early!

Didn’t end up rocking the new Tracksmith crop that Karmen picked up for me in Boston, I am an over-heater and the thought of two layers and an extra inch of fabric was too scary πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Sunday, June 24thrace day!

I will recap this on it’s own! But in short, it was a great day!! Too warm for my liking but that’s the reality of a late Spring race! I missed my goal by 32 seconds which is highly frustrating, but I still ran a personal best in the half marathon distance!

After crossing the finish line, Adam was so kind to bring me my 5k bib so I could continue to the next starting line for my cool-down. LOL. I wanted another medal and some extra kilometers because…marathon training!

Jess did so well and placed in the top 10 in her age group for the 5k! Steph friggin won the race (not surprised)!

Back to training. I have work to do. Talk to ya soon with that race recap πŸ˜‰

 

SUMMARY

WEEKLY MILEAGE: 66km

INJURIES/PRE-HAB? nothing to report

SLEEP? medium

NUTRITION BRAGS? first road tripΒ where I ate healthy snacks and not all crap!

CURRENTLY READING: nothing right now, I’m in Vancouver!

CONFIDENCE BOOSTER(S): a half PR on a hot day, and feeling almost back to 100% health

NEXT RACE: Tyhee Lake Triathlon! July 8th!

3rd Sober May Long Weekend – 10 Observations!

I had a really good weekend and I hope you did, too. This year was my third go at May long weekend as a sober person. I was surprised that it still felt a bit foreign, but I’m okay with that. Prior to quitting drinking, long weekends usually left me completely exhausted, anxious and depressed. I always had a blast, but the aftermath was no longer worth it. It would take me days to get back to normal and I’d claim to never want to feel that way again. Then the next occasion would roll around and I’d do it all again. Let me tell you, if the after-effects of a long weekend are getting the best of you, it’s possible to partake without the booze. Here are ten awesome things I took note of over the course of my sober long weekend.

The weekend began stress-free

Back in the day, the preparation alone for a long weekend had me feeling strung out. How much booze would I need? Running out was unthinkable! Did I have enough drunk snacks to survive? How would my friends and I get to the parties we wanted to go to? No one could drive a vehicle safely, let alone legally, and most sensible people don’t really want to boat around the lake once it’s dark and everyone’s pissed. I’d be all wound up before even leaving town, ESPECIALLY if I was leaving later than some of my friends. PEOPLE ARE GOING TO HAVE FUN WITHOUT ME!!!!

These days I feel no need to rush. As I’ve written about before, somehow booting alcohol out of my life eliminated FOMO. I hit the road after my morning run, when I was good and ready and didn’t even consider that I might “miss out on something” before I arrived. Oh, and I didn’t have to make that extra stop at the liquor store.

No self-inflicted malnutrition

Usually when I arrived at wherever we were celebrating Maylong, I’d start drinking beer immediately and that was more or less the only thing consumed for seventy-two hours, save for a couple smokies and maybe some Doritos. Now I care more about how I treat my body, plus there’s the simple fact that royally disrupting my general routine is a huge pain in the ass. No, I didn’t eat kale salads all weekend and take vitamins. But, I did make sure to eat some real food regularly amongst all the shitty snacks that I love more than anything.

Got up early

Not as early as at home in the regular routine, obviously, but early enough so that no part of the day is written off. In the past, my dried out eyeballs would open, I’d urgently search for anything non-alcoholic, chug it like nobody’s business, and then go back to “sleep”. By sleep, I mean roll around in a stinky, dehydrated state of discomfort, then finally emerge from the tent/trailer/cabin/lawn chair a while later, having wasted precious hours of my life. LOL.

Getting up early, whether it’s to go for a run, walk, swim, to resurrect the fire from the night before, or to just sit and enjoy a coffee, is awesome. Coffee. Yum. That leads me to the next one.

Enjoyed breakfast

This one I’ve talked about in many of my non-drinking posts. Drinking coffee and eating breakfast WITHOUT:

  • a screaming headache
  • symptoms of a peptic ulcer
  • dizziness
  • nausea
  • dry mouth
  • diarrhea
  • shame from whatever (or whoever) you did the night before
  • sore teeth from sugary drinks

IS AMAZING.

No sore teeth!

Oh my God. Tooth decay, how I don’t miss you. I know I said I mostly drank beer, but on hot, sunny weekends everyone knows how easy the sugary coolers go down. When I think back to brushing my teeth the morning after drinking a case of Twisted Teas..I could cry.

loid

Never stranded

When not drinking you can drive wherever the fuck you wanna go whenever you want. No waiting (or begging) for a lift to the next party. No need to be annoying AF harassing other drunk people for unsafe, illegal rides in the dark in their vehicles or boats. Also, when FOMO isn’t a thing, sometimes there’s no need to go anywhere besides the fire you’re already sitting at. I loved that I could do what I wanted at any time because I was capable of driving my truck or anyone elses vehicle if necessary.

Didn’t skip any runs

Yeah, I know, I’m always training for something. But lots of other people also like to exercise on the regular, even if not prepping for some event or competition. When I was still partying I always had good intentions to do my planned runs when out of town for the weekend, but they rarely happened.

No, it’s not the end of the world to skip physical activity for a weekend. Duh. BUT, if you’re someone who gets home on the last day and feels extra shitty, physically and/or mentally because you didn’t sweat (on purpose) all weekend, then you will relate to this! For me, alcohol meant all accountability was out the window. Now, I get it done. Prioritizing a workout on a super fun day feels good and helps balance out all the chips and dip. I got in my Saturday, Sunday and Monday runs as planned, plus an extra-large sense of accomplishment.

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Ran on the beautiful path that I’d usually look at longingly on the way home, hungover as fuck.

I live at the end of the line, so when we go away for the weekend it’s always in the same direction, with the same drive home. There’s an awesome walking/biking path along the side of the highway as you head west out of Terrace called the Millennium Trail. I remember looking at it many times while on the way home from a party weekend and thinking, “I wish I didn’t feel like a bag of shit right now and was running on that path instead.” This year, I did. Fuck yeah. Drove home sweaty and stinky but who cares? Not me.

The night before going back to work didn’t suck

Soaking in hang-xiety and self-loathing all evening, looking in every cupboard for something salty to eat for a way-too-late “dinner”…that’s what the end of Maylong used to be like for me. Hahahaha. Sounds so funny but it’s true! Instead, I got a few groceries on the way home, did some laundry and went to bed at a legit time. And my sleep was good! Another thing I don’t miss: twitching all night in a cold sweat and waking up simply to power through the workday so I can go back to bed again.

Tuesday morning didn’t suck

See above. It’s already a short week, I don’t need it to be shorter because it’s taken two or three days to feel normal again. When I woke up this morning I was seriously grateful that I wasn’t starting the week ten steps behind. I hammered out my workout on the treadmill from Lifelong Endurance and went to work with a runner’s high instead of the old drinker’s low.

______

I hope everyone’s weekend was safe and awesome. As I always say, there’s no judgement here towards anyone who got buck wild drunk all weekend! I think it’s good to celebrate life in any way that suits a person best! As they say these days, “you do you!” I’m just doing me, and sharing some observations about why not drinking works better for me now, just in case it’s helpful to anyone else! xo

Thanks for reading! If you like, please share πŸ˜‰

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PUMP up the JAMmie – Day 22: F*#k Off, Fear.

When I was a raging piss tank I didn’t really have fear on my radar. I basically had zero sense of self and did the same old things, day after day, unknowingly living in a shitty little comfort zone. I wasn’t conscious of it at the time, but I was strongly avoiding making changes, and the unknown. These are two of the most common fears.

Nowadays, sober, I’m almost hyper-aware of the feelings that come up when I decide to make a change, try something new, or challenge myself. With change and the unknown comes fear, in some shape or form. Suzanne Fetting taught me how to view fear differently and how to approach it head-on. These days, when something I want to do brings up anxiety or vulnerability, I truly see it as simply a chance to tick that fear the fuck off my list. If the inner critic was a living, breathing thing, I’d punch it in the jugular. Worrying, approval-seeking, rationalizing, procrastinating and victimizing are things I just do not have time for anymore. Quitting drinking is the biggest thing that helped me get away from those self-sabotaging behaviours. I hope that by sharing some of the random shit that goes through my head, maybe someone else will feel inspired to stop letting fear hold them back from doing what they want to do, big or small! My current marathon mission comes with many forms of fear, but I’m talking about life entirely, not just trying to qualify for the Boston Marathon.

Here’s one from recently:

Until two weeks ago when my friends and I went to Seattle for the Tenacious Ten, I had never rented a car, driven in a city other than Vancouver, across the border, or in the States. Terrifying!! LOL. To some, this may sound very odd. I hate driving a vehicle I’m not used to. Also, driving anywhere unfamiliar has always been one of those things that can cause me anxiety. Maybe it’s from growing up in a small town with four sets of traffic lights, no such thing as rush-hour or freeways, and never the need for directions. Who knows. I wanted to drive to Seattle from Vancouver for the race because it was cheaper than a second flight and I’m saving money for school, but more so because I wanted to cross this fear off the list! In July, when I head to Jack & Jill to Pump up the JAMmie, I’ll also be driving to Washington State (possibly alone), and I didn’t want it to be the first time!

When I moved to Vancouver for University over ten years ago, I didn’t have a car. I got accustomed to the transit system and therefore avoided city driving. When I graduated, I bought myself a brand new VW Golf yet continued to take transit a lot of the time because I had no self-confidence and driving in the city made me SO panicy. Eventually, I drove in the city regularly, but never 100% confidently. Then, I moved back to small town comfort! (NOT to avoid city driving, LOL!)

Last weekend I finally said fuck it and did what most others would do – drive to where they want to go! My friends helped with directions and I probably annoyed the shit out of them being so anxious, but it’s done and now I can drive to the USA and not shit my pants about it. Woo. Done. What was I afraid of?? Why did it take me until the age of 33 to do this? Because I used to unknowingly let fear restrict me; all I did was get drunk and never do much outside the box of mediocrity that I was existing in. I was oblivious to living fully and doing what I wanted to do, big or small-scale. I’m not being mean to myself, I am seeing the growth for what it is and appreciating where I’m at now. Yay, new life.

Fears I’m currently wrestling with:

I’ve wanted to do something different, career-wise, for years before I actually started making change happen last fall. Even though I loathe my current field of work, for a long time I believed what my inner critic told me and in turn, was too scared to act:

“You spent years getting this degree, this is what you do now.”

“This education was expensive, you can’t walk away.”

“You make so much money, just learn to live with the job.”

“Changing careers will require moving away temporarily, and you can’t do that when you’re a homeowner and have a spouse.”

“You could run out of money as a student without income. Way too risky.”

“You are too old to go back to school.”

“You’re selfish.”

FUCK. OFF. INNER. CRITIC!

School starts September 17th. I’m a bit scared, but it’s not holding me back. I look forward to being a student again, even though I have thoughts about being the old person in the class, fear of being a driver in a new place, and running out of money. LOL. Know what I have to say to all of this, though? WHO CARES. Don’t dwell, just do.

I hope that you can join me in screaming (in my head, cause I’m at work) BRING IT ON, FEAR. Seriously. Bring it on, any kind, really big or so small it seems ridiculous. It scares the crap out of me that I’m going to try to run 03:31:18 in the marathon this summer. What if I fail? Will someone laugh and say, “I knew she couldn’t pull that off“? Will I be able to withstand the training? Will I be confident and mentally tough enough to truly put forth my best effort, come marathon day?

I am scared, but these days it just feels like adrenaline. I’m not being held back by it, like the old me. Suck it, fear. There is no time to waste! Capitalize! Do you have something you didn’t do for a long time because it made you nervous, uncomfortable or anxious?? Or that you still haven’t done? Tell me about it.

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the Universe WANTS me to qualify for Boston!

Hi!

A few weeks back I put my BIG 2018 goal out there. Mission: axe twenty minutes off my best marathon time to run a 03:31:18 and qualify for the 2019 Boston Marathon. (under the guidance of my incredible coach at Lifelong Endurance, Andrew)

One thing I didn’t mention was that right around the time that this BQ-attempt training cycle is set to commence (end of March/beginning of April), I’d be moving away from home and starting the very condensed two-year Registered Massage Therapy program! Yeah! I am going back to school!!!

I don’t let much get in my way when it comes to goal-chasing, but I fully expected that the most intense training block of EVER, combined with a full course load, studying and homework would be extra challenging!! Bring it.

All plans were in place. I’ve given notice at work. My replacement has been recruited, which gives me peace of mind as I live in a somewhat hard-to-staff location. My husband and I were set to move me down to his (AMAZING) Mom’s house the week before my program began…

AND THEN THIS HAPPENED. Alleged arsonist arrested in Kelowna.

I know. Someone pretty much tried to BURN DOWN MY SCHOOL. WHO does this kind of shit?? Thanks to this turd, the school has been forced to reschedule my RMT class as well as a nursing cohort, from March to September. The damage requires a pretty extensive renovation inside as per fire inspection and it will affect classroom space for the small facility. Sigh..

After receiving the email about the postponed start date, I had a short and minor “moment”. Holy shit. I quit my job and my replacement is already hired! I’m almost ready to move! I bought the MEC Okanagan 5-race value pack! (LOL.) I had a bunch of events I planned to drive to from Kelowna. Now I will have five-ish months with no full-time work!?!?!? A stay-at-home cat-mom??

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But then, I stopped and calmed down. Okay truthfully, I flip-flopped from super worried to neutral for a couple days. But NOW…I am PUMPED.

The four months that I will be training for a 03:31:18 are ALL MINE. I have to say it again. MY FULL-TIME JOB FROM APRIL THROUGH JULY WILL BE TO LIVE AND BREATHE MARATHON TRAINING. WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Of course I’m NOT going to sit on my ass and not work. Aside from being a casual relief pharmacist I’m planning to go to my favourite place in the world and help my friends with their bees (yeah, I’ma be a fkn BEE KEEPER) and pick up any other random non-pharmacist work that I feel like in the mean time. If you need your house cleaned, get at me. But my prime focus for the months leading up to Jack & Jill’s Downhill Marathon on July 29th, will be TRAINING. YES!!!!!

All the running! Strength training. Cross training. Spin, swimming, hiking, yoga. WOOOOO! Rest days! RECOVERY! BLOGGING! Can you tell I am seeing the good about this monkey wrench that got thrown into my plans?? You guys. I was always determined, but now I have been given the opportunity to launch a serious attack.

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So thank you, Universe. I’m being forced to trust the process, stop planning quite so far in advance, and go with the flow. Oh, and to confront my addiction to buying every colour of ProCompression socks. I’m being given the chance to put everything I have into the biggest, scariest, most seemingly impossible goal I’ve ever set for myself with respect to my passion for distance running. I can and I will!! Oh, and I’m gonna blog the shit out of this journey, so stay with me!

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