Hope you had a good long weekend!! I definitely did, but I wish I prioritized a few things differently…
I woke up this morning SO so tired, like so sleepy I wanted to cry. And last night instead of getting groceries we watched an episode of Vikings and stayed cozy in the living room… so ya. No lunch to make and breakfast was a bit limp.
It feels like my to-do list over the next week is big, but really I’m just doing the thing where I’m tired and could use another day off (as could all people, after any weekend of any length usually haha). Also, side-note, I hate taxes.
A while ago I posted about how I’m okay with Mondays now (or Tuesday, in this case) because I don’t have hangovers from getting pissed all weekend, including most likely day drinking on Sundays or the holiday Monday. Today is one of the days where I EXTRA appreciate NOT having a hangover. For real, I don’t know what I would have done this morning if I woke up feeling ill with anxiety, paranoia, guilt or the shakes. I already was tired, disorganized and a tiny bit overwhelmed by the week ahead – imagine amplifying those things and adding another ton of shitty physical and emotional feelings to the pile while praying to a higher power to make bedtime come as fast as possible before even getting out of bed.
Here’s to having a clear head and knowing that dealing with a little start-of-the-week chaos is no match for sobriety.
I’ve written about this a few times at least by now, but for some there comes a time in sobriety where keeping track of the days, months and milestones just isn’t as much of a focus anymore.
This is my life now and I rarely look at my sober app. However, today I just looked at it and it’s a nice round number – 1900 days!! My awareness of my own sobriety has been elevated since I started my Sober Launch program and on days that I have calls with clients (like today), it’s turned WAY up.
This has lead me to thinking about something – I don’t want to let sober success fade into the background of “real life”. Although I am actively grateful for this lifestyle, I wanna go back to intentionally celebrating all the milestones! So I’m planning something for my 2000 days of sober living and I don’t know what it is yet, but it’s gonna be good. It’s gonna be a big deal because choosing sober living is a big deal and deciding to have a life that kicks ass almost all of the time, is a big fuckin deal.
Whether you are new to the sober game or you consider yourself an old vet, I hope you are celebrating milestones and staying grateful as much as possible.
I’m sitting here at my massage therapy practice, having just finished up for the week, and I am struck with such a wicked feeling. I’m calm, grounded and I have zero sense of urgency. Urgency about what, you might be wondering…
I remember times, even as a teenager getting off work on Friday evening at the bakery, when I felt almost frantic about “getting alcohol.”
Whether it was finding someone who could buy it for me and my friends, or I was old enough and just felt super rushed and anxious about figuring out where and what I’d be drinking within a few hours of getting off work, it was a TO-DO that was top of the priority list. Actually it was my only priority. I was just itching to get the weekend going, which meant get drunk. It really pisses me off that there were literally no other things that I was excited to do. Fuck. But that’s a whole other can of worms for another post..or many.
There’s a quote from a book called Parched by Heather King that Belle introduced me to:
drinking is never actually fun, but it always feels like you are about to have fun in 15 minutes.
I think my panic about figuring out ASAP what do drink, how to get it, and where to drink it and who with, came from this concept. The sense of panic never really went away. I remember it at parties, jumping from one conversation to the next or one room to the other like a bumble bee, because it was never actually that fun…but that sense of it being ABOUT to be fun was there the whole time. Anyways.
Now, I sit here with no need to get out of here as fast as I can…clearly, since I’m sitting here blogging. The point is that not letting alcohol have that weird hold on me is awesome. It’s been a long time since I felt that power over me and it’s really liberating to be free of it!!!!
Does it have that hold on you? Or did it in the past? Can you relate to this?
I just thought of one of my most HATED memories of the drinking days. Not a specific memory but more of a trend. Mondays. Specifically, Monday mornings.
Whether the hangover was from “Sunday funday” (eye roll) or still lurking from Saturday, Mondays SUCKED. Anxiety. Disorganization. House a disaster. No clean laundry. No groceries. Nothing to bring for lunch.
Mondays had such a bad rap in my former life, and I feel like they do in our world in general. What’s funny though, is that when one is ready for the start of the week, it fucking RULES.
Those annoying sayings out there like “never miss a Monday” or “Monday motivation“, etc, aren’t annoying any more when you’re feeling good and ready to get after it. So I guess what I am saying is…sorry that I used to hate you, Monday.
Mondays are like New Year’s Day, every week. I hope your day (and week!) kicks ass.
OKAY so I was at my friend’s boutique yesterday and she has a great selection of fancy candles. The saleswoman (another fabulous friend of mine) says, “smell the Yuzu + Birch, it’s my favourite!“
So I pick up this heavy, swanky candle and take a long smell…my eyes went big and I said to her “THIS IS WHAT SOBRIETY SMELLS LIKE!“
Yes. It has a smell. Fresh, natural, happy. Like forest and beach and wood and wind and bike riding and coffee. Okay it just smells awesome. Like freedom and happiness in general.
Scent can be a powerful trigger of emotions and memories – I don’t know what exactly I was associating the smell of that candle with but it was ALL good feelings. This is just another experience that shows me that the lifestyle upgrade that I consider a sober lifestyle to be, doesn’t get old. Even 1886 days in!
I’ve been more committed to practicing gratitude lately and I base it around one general concept to get me started. I’ll try to explain.
So back in the day whenever I had anything from a severe hangover to just the tail-end of mild hanxiety, I would emotionally assault myself about why I, AGAIN, was feeling like dog shit and wishing that I hadn’t gotten drunk. During this process I’d have this vision, or daydream maybe you could call it, of what it would be like to be a person who could say truthfully and confidently out loud “I don’t drink.” It felt like being in fresh air, or being in the forest in the Fall, alone, something like that. It felt exactly like a freaking Mary Oliver quote and gave me butterflies but also made me sad because I couldn’t avoid getting drunk long enough to make my life like that. It was just a wish.
I thought about it all the time, probably daily, and it came in two versions. The first was kind of a combination of the feelings that can come up when seeing someone’s “perfect” life (i.e. highlight reel) on Instagram, mixed with seeing a woman in a cute outfit who’s out for a morning run looking happy and peaceful while I was on the bus to UBC trying not to vomit or have an anxiety attack. This version is based on wanting what we don’t have.
The second version was more like what I first described, the Mary Oliver quotes! This version is based on knowing what we want and knowing it’s possible, somehow, but still feels really far off…
So, back to the gratitude practice. I remind myself that everything I wanted back then, I HAVE IT. Fresh air. Rainy runs. Trails. Morning coffee without nausea. A sense of being grounded that I can tap into if I decide, even on days that are overwhelming or stressful. All I have to do is think about the fact that as long as I pay attention, life now feels like Mary Oliver quotes most of the time, and it’s fucking awesome.
What do you have now that you always wished for? Happy Sunday xo