the recurring falling off the wagon dream

There is this dream that I’ve been having over and over that started a few months into 2016 when I was newly sober. At first I would have the dream very often, sometimes a bunch of nights in a row or sometimes weekly. As time went on, the dream started to become significantly less common, but it still happens from time to time and I had it the other night! Almost four years later!

The dream is one of the blurry kind, where you can’t really remember where you were or who you were with and nothing really makes a lot of sense. But every time it involves me realizing that I have actually been casually drinking or even getting wasted from time to time but continuing to tell myself and others that I don’t drink. In the dream I am having internal dialog about a bunch of stuff.

First I wonder if it’s actually real? Have I actually been drinking alcohol without admitting it to anyone, including myself? WTF. Spreading my thoughts on the glory of being a non-drinker, but being a big liar!? How could I do this? Booze was the worst thing for me and I start having flashbacks of all the negative experiences I created for myself with the help of alcohol.

Then I admit to myself that, yes, I think I have been drinking (though still not positive if it’s real), and I’m hit by a tidal wave of guilt. I then start contemplating whether I can pretend this hasn’t happened and just pick up where I left off. There’s a huge fixation on how absolutely terrible it would be to start back at Day 1 (and in turn, restart my Sober Time app, LOL) and confess to anyone who cares that the chick who raves about the awesomeness of sober living has fallen off the wagon. Maybe it didn’t actually happen? I’ll just go with that…

I don’t know when or why I wake up, but when I do I have feelings of guilt and dread and I have to lay there for a while feeling shitty until I realize it was only a dream. Once I’m 100% sure that it was just a dream and everything is normal, I feel so fucking happy I just lay in my bed smiling in the dark ahahaha. What a relief!

What does it all mean? I’ve Googled it just out of curiosity and there are lots of ideas, from signs that a relapse is coming, to evidence of how much the dreamer values her new sober life. Personally, I relate to the latter. I have no idea why I randomly have this dream again and again. It makes me extremely uncomfortable even thinking about it and how I feel while inside the dream, but I also enjoy knowing that I do NOT want that to happen and that I won’t allow it to. Confirmation of the joy of not drinking and to not take it for granted is what I’ll use these weird reminders for.

Do you have recurring dreams??

Side Note:

I think I might know what planted the seed for the most recent dream! On Season 5 of Schitt’s Creek Alexis was accusing David of never trusting her because in the late 90’s he left her responsible for a bunch of Teen and Adult aged Tamagotchis and she let them all die.

I was reminded of how much it sucked when I had “raised” my Tamagotchi to an Adult (probably like 6 days old, LOL) and then accidentally dropped it off the dock into the lake at our cabin in 1997. Viscerally, I remembered how angry and disappointed I was that I had to start all over again with the 0-day old digital pet in its “Baby” status…

Re-starting the Sober Time app is a ten billion times worse version of a dead Tamagotchi…

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